staceylynne0412

How freaking great Sons of Anarchy is going to be.
I just saw the first episode tonight.
(which i am forcing my fiance, kodiak, to watch right now!)
and it has already got me hooked!
YAY FOR A GREAT NEW SHOW!!!


Plus... this hottie makes everything better.
I have loved this bitch since green street hooligans


 

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready

i talked to an old friend today. it was nice to get to hear from someone familiar. i feel so disconnected from everything that i used to be. sometimes i don't like that girl and sometimes i miss her so much it hurts. where would i be right now if i hadn't changed my life? it i hadn't decided to stop being friends with everyone i knew.. honestly, i would probably be dead. i made some stupid decisions and was doing things that i knew i shouldn't be doing. but sometimes... old habits die hard. it hurts the worse when i think about how much i cared and loved all of the people i was around. and how they just shit on me time after time. and how one boy tore my world apart and tore my friendships apart. it's crazy how someone can be so manipulative. is it bad that i will probably never be ale to forgive him? does that make me a bad person? i don't know. sometimes i don't care and sometimes i tend to dwell on it and sometimes it's still too much to take. i guess i have to learn to let go. but holding on is something i am very good at. i hold onto everything. even when it's hardly there anymore. i will grasp onto it and hold tight and never let it go. i mean, look at the relationship that i got drug through for three years (03-06). it was nothing and it was everything. and i fought until the end. did i lose? yes. was it for the best? absolutely. so why did i try so hard? why did i hold on for so long? i guess some things are just hard to let go of.

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready

i don't know how to speak. i am not a good speaker. this is why i write everything down, type everything out. how do i say these things to people? how would i even begin? and honestly, who would listen if i was speaking to them? i can make a list of people who could give two shits about anything that i will ever have or need to say. i think this is why i just keep my mouth shut about a lot of things. i listen to everyone, but who's really there to listen to me? not a lot of people. and when i speak, who will take my side? my boyfriend, never does. he always thinks that i am over reacting or just getting mad for no reason. do you think that's what i want to hear? no. it's not. i want to hear... you know what, i understand why you're mad, but how about we just calm down and not think about it and go watch a movie or something. that would sound pretty nice. but i don't think i will ever hear that. i think i am pretty much very misunderstood in a lot of ways. i have always had people take me for granted. i have always trusted people way too easily. and honestly, i am very good at fucking shit up. when i don't mess something up it surprises me. i am very hard on myself. i take everything out on myself. sometimes it's so hard not to pick up that razor and put it gently to the skin on my thighs and press down and drag until all i feel is the pain in my legs.. until it feels like i am bleeding out everything that hurts on the inside. old habits die hard.

I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready

i have completely stopped letting people into my life. i am terrified that they are going to hurt me. because i think that is all that i have ever known. sure i have friends. but how many are my true friends? i count two. which is fine with me. i could care less how many friends i have. but is that a good way to go about life? never caring if someone likes you or not? some say it's fine, some say it's not. but why should i go out of my way to make you like me? i can't answer that. because i don't know the answer. i have always had this problem.. i get a friend, we start hanging out, and then all of a sudden they consider me 'too clingy.' and i know how they feel. maybe it's because i hold on so hard because i am so scared of not having anyone. of growing up and looking around and realizing that there is no one around me. no one that cares. i try so hard to stay friends with people, because i cannot be alone. there's days i wish i could go back and just be by myself. 16. sitting in my room at my parents and doing whatever i wanted by myself. and then there's days when i beg to go out  and call everyone in my phone book because i am terrified of being by myself. but at the same time, i am scared to become anyones friend, because i am scared of pushing them away by becoming too clingy or too much. because like they say... old habits die hard.

I am fine

i shouldn't complain about my life. i should be thankful. i should praise God every day that my life is so much better than what it could be. i am selfish. i think that i am a terrible person.



love.love.love.